Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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