I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
