Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
