Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
im six kinds of drunk right now
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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