Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
