I just threw up on my dentist
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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