if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i will never coherently bang her
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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