just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
