I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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