You made me cry and you don't even care
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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