Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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