I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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