I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize