the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize