i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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