i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
