Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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