I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
