I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
