DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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