Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
