Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize