if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
