meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
