Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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