i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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