Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
