i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
