i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
