Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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