My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
