There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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