Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
