Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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