so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
