proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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