Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
