my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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