Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
