I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
