dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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