i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
