Umm I'm too high to move.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
