well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
