So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
