Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
