one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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