I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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