I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
