Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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