Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
