I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
