My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
