why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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