this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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