"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
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