I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
