I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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