He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
