I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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