I wish I only lived at night.
We got so high we made milksteak
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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